Relationships 101, Part 9: Your Conflict Code of Conduct
Now that we have established a bit of a framework for relationships, let’s start talking about some of the nuts and bolts of a healthy-enough conflict. Step One: Establish a Conflict Code of Conduct.
You will need to agree together on what does and does not work for you as a couple. Here are some things you might want to consider building into your Conflict Code of Conduct:
● We will re-center and re-calm ourselves frequently so that we can do conflict well.
● We will listen more than we speak.
● We will repeat back what we have heard, so that we know we have understood the other person.
● We will not make decisions about the relationship in the middle of a fight.
● We will stay on topic.
● We will attack the problem, not the person.
● We will avoid “but you…” as this is a sidetrack designed to protect our egos.
● We will pause if necessary and always return until we resolve the issue.
● We will use non-accusatory language that makes room for a different perspective.
● We will avoid fault, blame and shame.
● We will separate personhood from behavior and exercise forgiveness.
● We will be humble and own up to our mistakes.
● We will focus more on understanding what the other person is feeling than on proving our point.
Are there others that are important to you or your partner? Talk about them. Make some agreements, and write them down.
You are then going to mess them up. That’s ok! (See the bullet points on humility and forgiveness.) When you go off track, talk together about how and when it went left, and then decide together how to do things differently moving forward. Lather, rinse, repeat!
Stay tuned to this space for a deeper discussion on each of these points!
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Tiffany Sankofa, MS LCPC is a therapist in practice in Columbia, MD. If you’d like help growing your relationship, go to www.TiffanySankofa.com and contact Tiffany today. It’s time to take your life back!